when angels deserve to die]

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Friday, April 30, 2004

ok.

2.4 was not very good, did 12.05 (no im not trying to sound bimbotic, it really isnt very good, considering i did like 34s faster last year). oh but anyway it felt pretty good after im done. ahh...i just love running. saw a few trackers running their 2.4 today. bin and i were standing stupidly there, cheering people on. and bin got freaked by her softball capt. haha...it was so funny, you shld have seen her reaction loh...

trng yesterday was kind of heavy. did 10 sets of 15kg weights. my thighs are so tight now that i can hardly squat down without having to go through the sharp pains. we ran some as well. not a lot but it felt so cos we did it after weights. after that i went home with sharon. we went by the mrt way and ended up all drenched inthe rain. it was so cold ok! and the next day we both caught colds. oh and anyway emily's dad gave me a ride to the ri bus-stop. to think i went so far to get back to the same spot!! shld have just went the other way...

had tingxie and math EOI today. did fine for tingxie but totally screwed up for math. it was so hard...i cant to seem to figure anything loh...and shuning really scared me today. suddenly she just started sobbing...ahh i panicked and forgot everything. she was not to blame lah, but still...it was kind of shocking loh...anyway shuning, if you see this pls do cheer up and forget abt everything. its only one test anyway...and your birthday is coming soon, so have a happy birthday ok? take care yeah?

ok, now down to public speaking competition. generally im quite happy with our performance today cos i think we did fairly well. nicole was really good and i think i did fine. yupp, and anyway i just received an email saying that we got top three!! another round of selections on wed, and thats it!! im so happy now i can hardly type! ahh...finally our hard work has paid off...i thought we would get like fourth out of the gep classes or something, but heyy! we got top three!! this rocks man! oh and today when in and i walked out of the CLC, the people from 209 were commenting that all geppers have this attitude problem and that we were all so stuck up. heyy!! we were just behind them ok! and xinlei and her friend were in front of them!! do they mind or what! oh anyway the other two classes who got in top three were 211 and 212. personally, i think 214 did a good job. its a pity they didnt get in. heyy guys, you were really great, so lighten up ok? yupp!

ahh im just so happy!! for the first time in my life i actually feel accomplished. my ego has just shot up! three cheers for our class!!

8:05 PM
Wednesday, April 28, 2004

hah. 2.4 today. did worse than last year, but still got A. sigh. too tired to blog. will give more details next time.

8:33 PM
Tuesday, April 27, 2004

hah. todays training was pretty light actually, but somehow i felt very tired after it. maybe its because i havent trained for like two weeks? i dont know. my stamina is gone, it seems so. and then, tmr still got 2.4km to run. haiyoh...how to run! so tired...and felt like puking today. dont know why it was so bad. to the seniors it seemed ok what! and i couldnt even walk straight, so much so that kim had to get her mum to fetch me to coronation plaza bus stop cos she was afraid i would faint on the bus (eh...yeah, thats SO possible?). dont know whats wrong with me loh...must train more i guess...ms zhang said we are going to focus on one event, and if we are good then she will consider letting us take one more event. its kind of stressful loh...she expects little from us, but she does care for results. i guess thats just her lah...

got 2.4km run tmr, but this time i got no one to pace with...last year i got nicole...but this year...i thought i could pace with peishan, but then shes not running tmr!! ahhhhhhhh! what am i going to do! this is not good...oh gosh...

and for the public speaking competition, guess what? our grp got selected to represent our class!! this is scary man...i have to speak i think...oh dear...what if i screw up? man just thinking abt it gets on my nerves. eew...shudders...

yay im so happy!! nice nice christine senior has agreed to lend me her FULLY ANNOTATED "to kill a mockingbird" for the test!! im so happy!! thank you soooooooo much christine!! i love you man!!!

9:23 PM
Monday, April 26, 2004

hmm...let me see.if im not wrong we have got four tests this week. two on wed and two on fri. the ones on fri are not that scary, but the ones on wed are!! and i havent even started annotating. must go now then.

6:48 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2004

you know what? i think i have serious mood swings. not between happy and sad, but more of between zen and depressed. haha im weird. ha.

9:06 PM

i, as usual, screwed up. sometimes i wonder if i use that word too often. but oh who cares anyway? its the only suitable word. perhaps im never fated to really succeed on anything. its not meant to be this way. im so tired (have i mentioned this before?), so tired i can die. i wish i could just throw all these onto someone. and then i will be free, for a while at least. and i am so sick of living such a life. yupp. yupp. yupp. why on earth did i even come to singapore? im seriously considering going with my parents to where they are now, then enrol in an international school. i can be the nerd there, and ignore everything that is happening around me. and then i will fade away into the background. no more attention on me. no more stress from others. no more meeting-the-expectations. no more fear. no more unhappiness. no more nothing. just no more. nothing is everything. and i want that.

have i ever said that i want to cry?

8:20 PM
Saturday, April 24, 2004

i went down to support alone cos leanne couldnt make it. saw ethel doing her hurdles, i think she got 5th or something like that. well basically i know nothing abt hurdles, so i guess ive no right to comment on it.
andrea ran 100m, as well as 400m. she did fine for both, but if the events were on separate days im sure she would do better. yupp, so she didnt do her best i think.

i cant stop worrying abt the long jump tmr. ms zhang said it shouldnt be a prob for me to get in top eight. but somehow im just not confident abt it loh...i dont know if i can live up to their expectations. im spent my entire life trying to meet others expectations, and its really tiring loh...at times i just want to die and let go of everything (but no i wont do it)...cos its so painful...argh...i should stop moaning...whos there to hear anyway?

tmr got long jump. will do my best, but i know my limits, i know what i can achieve and what i cannot--
but yet
--"the only way to define your limits is by going beyond them."

6:25 PM
Friday, April 23, 2004

today leanne, joan and i went for rjc dance night. we were very extra down there except for berny...bleargh. but the dances were really nice loh...we were totally mesmerized by their grace and all...oh and joan saw the senior she liked, sherry tay. when we were watching the thing, those guys behind were ogling over the girls. there was this item by two dancers, one male and one female. the female was very slim and she was dressed in this pink thing that looked dangerously like bikini. the guys behind us were like, oh i sure love this man! its a bit the disgusting only lah...and throughout the whole concert, they were commenting on how "hot" the "chicks" are. man, whats wrong with them?
oh and when it ended, we saw kitfei, debra, bao en, lijun, some thrower who went to hcjc, and another thrower who looks a little like lijun and was in the same class as her last year. haha...it was very funny...and i suppose its worth the price.

had napfa today. everything was quite ok except for inclined pull-ups. the teacher was so strict loh...i did 21 pull-ups but he only counted 13...sigh...count my luck...oh well, ive still got the 2.4km run to go!

am so tired...dont know whether i should go and support tmr, then again, what is on tmr? i dont know lah...will see tmr. got long jump on sun...am very nervous. im not feeling the anxiety, but rather im just very uncomfortable abt the whole thing.

i need some rest. both mentally and physically.

11:25 PM

haha..nicola had a hard time trying to find my blog. lalala...im not going to tell her lah...she was searching google during com studs loh...but i bet she wont find it cos my blog is not public. im so bored...for got to bring my tie today. will i get booked? i dont really care loh...anyway why dont they sell ties in the prefects room? thiere is no reason for them to do so...haiyah why am i so forgetful nowadays? for got to bring pe shirt twice this week already, and now i lost my tie. sigh, whats wrong with huh? must rest more lah...am sotired working on the haw par villa thing. they make us come up with proposals for them so that they dont have to pay the advertising companies for publicity...so smart yet evil...i cant stand it loh...and we get nothing in return...

i want to sleep man...slept at 12 last night trying to finish that stupid speech...and today we didnt even present. oh yes, my class is always sitting in the foyer...and everyday we see people waliking past. i see katho a lot but we dont usually talk, cos im not in her group (?). and then xiaohui also, but she does make an effort to smile at me lah...and christine, she just walk past me every single time without even saying hi...oh but shes my senior lah...theoretically i should be the one taking the initiative loh...but then again, i do say hi to her, just that she doesnt usually hear me...and then i will look so stupid...bleargh...

haiz...this teacher is boring. hes telling us how to use search engines like google and yahoo. so sian...like we dont even know how to use those things? oh gosh...

10:05 AM
Thursday, April 22, 2004

i screwed up again today. just how much worse can it get? candice said i jumped like 4.10m today. that so sucks loh...i jumped further than that last year! sigh...its kind of stupid lah, if i end up jumping less than wanyi and linxi and the rest of them, cos i apparently joined track earlier than them...and i f i do lousier than them...well i guess its damn sad loh...and then ms zhang will be so disappointed in me, and then i might as well not have joined, and so on...but im really worried loh...and i just am so stressed...

ive got so much hw...so many projects...what stupid haw par villa thing...whatever loh, its so tiring...and got napfa tmr some more...dont know how to cope...

oh maybe im just not supposed to be a tracker, or a jumper whatever...oh well...

9:30 PM
Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Lady of Shalott

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And through the field the road run by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
The Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

11:23 PM

Your Element is Night.

You're a loner who is very creative but never show your work to anyone. You may smile a little but sadness or loneliness surround you and others can feel it
when they're near you. You have a dark or unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and you probably have a lot of secrets that you've never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real thing that makes you special is your eyes. Something in them makes them look like Diamonds in the Rough.

ok i know this is really rubbish...but still i like doing boring stuff...

7:25 PM

You have wondering eyes.
You are not quite focused and you are quite a daydreamer.
You are a bit odd and as many say "Your head is in the clouds."

7:21 PM

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while adults might just accept that, I know something's gotta change. And it's gonna change, just as soon as I become an adult and get some power of my own.

7:19 PM

i decided i dont want a tagboard anymore. i dont want to know what people think of me. neither do i want people to know what others think of me.

7:05 PM

so tired!!! i want to sleep!!

i fell asleep during third lang today. i think the teacher saw, but she was trying to give me face by not announcing it out. heehee...nice teacher...and she gave back the sakubun (compo) we did (or were supposed to do) the week before. they all got pretty low i think, but i didnt!! yay!! not that i handed it in, but at least i didnt have to go through the trauma of keeping a piece of work that will kill my ego...bleargh...

and julie quah is a nice teacher!! shes fine i realized, at least not as bad as i had thought her to be. but when i said i liked her, lorraine and jia were like, we dont know you, i mean, hello? shes abt the best physics teacher we can get loh...rgs has so little physics teachers...haiyoh...oh whatever lah.

my friend said xiaohui looks like a guy. she said she was very pretty, then her mum said, you siao or what, look carefully, she looks so much like a guy! then my friend said, no lah! shes chio what! her mum insisted that she looked like a guy. so she stared at the screen for like a long time, and finally concluded that her mum was right. hahahhahaha!! its hilarious ok...i died laughing on the mrt train...but really ah, xiaohui did look like some guy in the pic in spiral magazine (oops!)...as in really!!

6:33 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2004

christines birthday today!!

ok basically we did quite little during trng today. did around 7 or 8 jumps, then 5x30m, and cool down. very slack loh...but since we got competition on sun, we cant expect it to be very heavy...haha

i dont get it you know. as in, why do they all think i crush candice? no way!! i mean shes nice lah but...lala...shes just not my type (god what the hell am i saying?!)...oh and those people who dont believe me...it doesnt matter lah...cos its not true anyway...ooh and leanne was funny. she smsed me and told me that some crazy person apparently thought that thea and her were les or something like that. haiyah...wrong partner lah...(hint hint)i know who leanne likes...

ok, something really weird happened today. kim changed in the foyer. she just took off her culottes (WITH NOTHING UNDERNEATH MIND YOU) and tried to wear the shorts over. i cant believe she actually did that loh...its so scandalous...ugh...i dont wanna think abt it. and im going to school tmr to tell everyone abt it. haiz...school life is just too rigid loh...we need something to cheer all of us up and to laugh abt...

oh and we sang christine a bd song!! not very the zhuang guan, but nice enough lah...and we jumpers gave her a tin of cookies. yay!! happy birthday christine!!

after trng, candice tricked me into going for a drink at long johns. bleargh. so i reached home at like 9pm? really tired and all. but later i tricked her back to take bus home with me. haha...tit for tat...we are now equal...

yeps, thats abt all for today. gtg do my jianbao...haiyoh, its so troublesome loh...so sian...

9:26 PM
Monday, April 19, 2004

tmr is christines birthday!! yay!

8:27 PM

bleargh.
today we went hpps for tutoring again. i love my two tutees cos theyre damn cute. ones an australian-greek and the others a german. the greek is called andirana mei mei while the germans called richter denise (see such a germanish name), she reminds me of the book friedrich we did in p6...anyway thats pretty out of point lah...apparently tingwens tutee didnt come, so she helped me with the two kids. haha...i like the way she speaks chinese man...got this cute angling tone (thats a compliment by the way). oh and the two kids kept giggling at each other, but still, theyre only 10. when i was 10 i was probably still playing hopscotch and such (oops)...but i think im quite lucky already loh...at least i didnt get two weirdo boys like sharon did...haha she wants to change tutees with me, but me, being not a very nice person, rejected her...hehe...
and then i went for third lang. while i was on the bus this whole hoard of chinese high guys boarded the bus. they were like, wah lao eh! so many people ah! oh yes, and look whos talking...but anyway todays third lang was quite boring lah, it was amazing that i for once didnt fall asleep.

oh yes, we had chinese kao cha thing today. i totally forgot abt it and so during the time before assembly i was mugging away. then xiaohui came along but i didnt see her. juju the extra pointed at her and went like, your her. i stared at her blankly before the meaning finally came through me. i then tried to murder her by smacking her with my chinese textbook, but then after a while i realized i shouldnt be doing this to my poor textbook and so i stopped just in time. but really ah, where in the sam hill did she get that idea?
and the kao cha. it went badly. oh nvm, theres always a next time!

8:26 PM
Sunday, April 18, 2004

new template!!! although i didnt make it, its pretty (well if i made it it wouldnt be)!!

8:29 PM

yay!! xiaohui broke the record for triple jump!! rgs jumpers rocks man! yeps, for now that is. i think we are all gonna screw up after candices and janessas batch. right, i should not curse everyone else, so maybe its just me who will screw up. lalala...oh and im laughing away sadly (whats wrong with me?). hahaha. man i dont wanna think abt it. its so depressing loh...

oh and candice senior sprained her ankle. very badly i heard. how did it happen? whyyyyy?? maybe todays just not her day...oh well, at least she did fine...not like meeeeeeee!! i am going to do badly again this coming sunday loh...cant help it. but i will train harder for nats lah...hopefully i will do better...hopefully i will not let myself down...then i will be so hyper and happy (ok thats out of point)!

and i cant rmb what hw i had. i know we have jianbao, zuo ye, and something else...haiyah my mind is in such a mess now (not that it wasnt before, only that it has just gotten worse), cant think properly...want to sleep but cant fall asleep. i think i am going out of track. i desperately need a long rest, a vacation would be good, but judging from the current situation, it doesnt look too positively possible.

ms zhang came to me the other day and said i havent done my best for the triple jump (really? how come i dont sense it?). do you think she makes wrong judgements? as in, she is a good coach, but still its not possible for her to be right all the time. like for instance, she thought i could make it for high, but i didnt. so maybe this is another wrong jugdgement. but on the other hand, it might just be that i did not train hard enough. but i shall choose to remain optimistic and be guided along by her words, for now that is. if it should prove otherwise later, then thats another matter. i am hoping that i will not do too badly for long on sun. my pb so far is i think 4.41, not too good, but if i try maybe i can improve another 9cm and hit 4.5, which is relatively good for me. yupp, must keep my spirits high!

3:28 PM

my template is so screwed. oh heck, whos going to read it anyway?

11:23 AM

ahhah. so now im at home, bored to death. in fact, i got so bored that i resorted to reading chinese newspapers (oops!). and oh, thats very sucky indeed. i was supposed to go support the seniors doing triple jump today, i wonder why i didnt go (yes i WONDER...). but nvm, i decided i should stay home and do work instead. i just realized, to my utter horror, that i had forgotten to hand in two pieces of e-week hw. oh, theyre like three weeks overdue i think. nvm, i shant hand it in then, since it serves no purpose anyway.
i think this week has been rather slack, considering the fact that i dont rmb doing much hw (or maybe its because i have poor memory), we had a math test though. i think i wont fail, but i dont think i did too well for it either, well at least its over.
next week got some stupid kao cha thing. close book one. so sian, like how does it help? haiz...teachers are so free (not that im not)...oh and lalala...i think i have ran out of things to write. must go read the ke wen now..will try to get it inside my head...

11:21 AM
Saturday, April 17, 2004

i dont feel like writing the first entry. next time perhaps.

9:30 PM